hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
