I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
And then he peed in my hair
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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