community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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