rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
