perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
