My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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