yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
