Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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