Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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