I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
as a side note pls kill me
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
