DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
