i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
