he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
