Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
sarcasm needs its own font
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
