just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
