I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
