they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
