He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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