I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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