Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
