Ambien. No doubt about it.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Randomize
