No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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