I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
