he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
