I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
