So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
