The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
