Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
