they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
