My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
