nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
