He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Randomize
