Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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