brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
