the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
