A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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