Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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