i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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