when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
