Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i was born a porn star she said
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
