plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
