why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Randomize
