Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I love you. Go after that dick
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
