"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
