whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Semen is not good for contacts.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
