He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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