i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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