The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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