So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
