I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
God, you're like boner-b-gone
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
